The relationship advice that holds up is simple to say and harder to do: notice and respond to small moments of connection, raise problems gently and early, accept that some differences never go away, repair quickly after a fight, and keep doing new things together. Research on couples supports each one.
There is no shortage of advice about relationships. Friends, parents, podcasts and social media all have a view, and much of it contradicts the rest. This guide sticks to the habits that research on real couples supports, and turns each one into something you can say or do this week.
Why so much relationship advice does not help
Most advice fails for one of three reasons.
- It is too vague. “Communicate more” or “make time for each other” sounds right, but it does not tell you what to say at nine o’clock on a Tuesday when you are both tired and something has gone wrong.
- It is built on one couple’s story. What worked for your aunt’s marriage may have worked because of who they were, not because of the rule.
- It takes sides. Advice from a friend usually comes from someone who has heard only your version. It can feel good and still make the problem worse.
The advice below is different in one way that matters: it comes from watching many couples over time, and seeing which habits separate the relationships that last from the ones that do not.
Eight pieces of relationship advice backed by research
1. Turn towards small bids for attention
Most of a relationship is not big conversations. It is small moments: a comment about something in the news, a sigh, a “look at this”, a question about your day. The Gottman Institute calls these bids for connection, and how you respond to them matters more than most people expect.
In a study of newlyweds that John Gottman followed up six years later, the couples who were still married had turned towards each other’s bids 86 percent of the time. The couples who had divorced averaged 33 percent.
Turning towards does not need to be elaborate. Looking up from your phone, answering the question, saying “really? tell me more” all count. What erodes a relationship is the steady habit of not noticing. Our guide to emotional intimacy covers how these small moments build closeness over time.
Try this: for one week, notice when your partner says something that invites a response, and give one. Do not try to fix anything. Just respond.
2. Raise a problem gently, and early
How a difficult conversation starts usually decides how it ends. Gottman’s research found that the first three minutes of a conflict discussion predicted, six years later, which couples had divorced. The couples who split up tended to open with criticism and a lot of negative emotion.
Raising something gently does not mean hiding how you feel. It means describing the situation and what you need, rather than attacking the person:
- Instead of “You never help with anything,” try “I’m exhausted tonight. Could you do the dishes so I can sit down?”
- Instead of “You obviously don’t care about my family,” try “I felt a bit alone at lunch on Sunday. Can we talk about how we handle visits?”
Raise it early, too. A small irritation said calmly on the day is much easier to sort out than a month of them said all at once. Our guide to fair fighting rules covers how to open a hard conversation without it turning into a fight.
3. Complain about the behaviour, not the person
There is a difference between a complaint and a criticism. A complaint is about something that happened: “You said you’d call and you didn’t.” A criticism turns it into a statement about who someone is: “You’re so unreliable.”
A complaint gives your partner something they can fix. A criticism gives them something to defend. Keep the words about this situation, this time, and leave out “always”, “never” and anything that sounds like a judgement of their character. Criticism is the first of the patterns the Gottman Institute calls the Four Horsemen.
4. Accept that some disagreements are permanent
One of the most useful findings from relationship research is also one of the least known. According to the Gottman Institute, 69 percent of relationship conflict is about perpetual problems: differences in personality or lifestyle needs that will not be solved, because they come from who each of you is.
One of you likes to plan; the other likes to see what happens. One of you wants to save; the other wants to enjoy the money now. These are not signs that the relationship is broken. Every couple has them.
The goal with a perpetual problem is not to win it. It is to be able to talk about it without it turning into the same fight, with some humour and some give on both sides. If you keep trying to solve something that cannot be solved, both of you end up frustrated.
5. Repair quickly after a fight
Every couple has arguments that go badly. What matters is what happens next. A quick, sincere repair, such as “I was short with you before, that wasn’t fair”, stops a bad argument from becoming a bad week.
Repair works best when it is specific, when it comes before the hurt hardens, and when the other person accepts it rather than using it to reopen the fight. Our guide on how to fix a relationship after an argument walks through the steps.
6. Celebrate each other’s good news properly
Couples usually think about how they handle bad news. How you respond to good news matters too.
In a series of studies published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in 2004, Shelly Gable and colleagues found that people benefit from sharing good things with others, and benefit more when the response is active and constructive. Relationships where a partner usually responds to good news with enthusiasm were linked to greater intimacy and daily satisfaction.
In practice, when your partner tells you they got the promotion, finished the project or had a good conversation with their sister, do not just say “nice”. Ask how it happened, what it means to them, and how they feel. A distracted “that’s good” and a question that shows you are interested land very differently.
7. Keep doing new things together
Relationships often become routine, and routine can slide into boredom. In research by Arthur Aron and colleagues, published in 2000, couples who took part together in a short activity that was new and exciting reported greater increases in relationship quality than couples given a more mundane task.
This does not need money or a big trip. A new walk, a class neither of you has tried, cooking something unfamiliar together or visiting a part of town you have never explored all count. The point is sharing something new, not the activity itself.
8. Talk about the relationship when things are calm
Most couples only talk about the relationship when something has gone wrong, which means every conversation about “us” arrives with tension already attached. A short, regular conversation when things are calm changes that.
Once a week, take 15 minutes to ask each other three things: what went well, whether anything is bothering you, and whether there is one thing that would help next week. Keep it short, keep it kind, and stop if it starts to turn into an argument. Raised this way, small things get sorted before they become big ones.
Marriage advice for the long run
Most of the advice above applies whether you have been together six months or thirty years. A few things matter more as a relationship gets longer.
- Expect the same issues to come back. Over decades, the perpetual problems from point 4 resurface in new forms: money when you buy a house, money again when you retire. Recognising the old pattern in its new clothes takes the heat out of it.
- Watch the big transitions. A new baby, a move, a job loss, children leaving home and retirement all change who does what and how much time you have together. Talk about the change before it becomes a source of resentment.
- Keep the friendship going. Long marriages that stay close tend to keep the same habits as new ones: turning towards each other, being interested in each other’s day, and doing things together that have nothing to do with running a household.
If the same few arguments are coming up again and again, our guide to common relationship problems covers the ones most couples face and how to raise each of them.
Advice to treat with caution
Some widely repeated advice does not hold up as well as it sounds.
- “Never go to bed angry.” Sometimes a pause is the better choice. If you are both exhausted and the argument is going in circles, agreeing to come back to it tomorrow, at a set time, is often wiser than forcing a resolution at midnight.
- “Just communicate more.” More talking is not always better. Repeating the same complaint, louder and more often, usually makes things worse. How you talk matters more than how much.
- “If it’s right, it should be easy.” Every lasting relationship involves effort and disagreement. Finding it hard sometimes is not evidence that you are with the wrong person.
- “Keep everything exactly fifty fifty.” Keeping score turns a partnership into a negotiation. What matters is that both people feel the overall balance is fair, not that every task is split down the middle.
When advice is not enough
Advice helps with everyday friction. It is not a substitute for professional support when the problems are bigger. Consider talking to a counsellor or psychologist if:
- the same argument keeps escalating and you cannot discuss it without it blowing up
- there has been an affair or another serious breach of trust
- one or both of you is struggling with depression, anxiety or addiction
- you are trying to decide whether to stay together
Services such as Relationships Australia offer counselling and relationship education across the country.
If there is fear, threats, control or violence in your relationship, this advice is not the right starting point. Contact 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 for confidential support, or 000 in an emergency.
Where FairTalk fits in
A lot of relationship advice comes down to one difficult thing: talking about a problem in a way that is fair to both of you. That is what FairTalk is built for.
You talk an everyday disagreement through together while FairTalk listens without taking sides, and either of you can pause if it starts to get heated. Afterwards, you both get a fair picture of each other’s perspective and a way forward you have shaped together, along with guidance on the communication skills each of you could build. If your partner is not ready to take part, the solo session feature lets you work through your own side first.
FairTalk is not therapy, and it is not suitable where there is abuse, coercion or a significant power imbalance.
Frequently asked questions
What is the best relationship advice?
The best relationship advice is to respond to the small moments when your partner reaches for your attention, and to raise problems gently and early. Research by the Gottman Institute found that couples who stayed married turned towards each other’s bids for attention far more often than couples who divorced. Most other advice builds on those two habits.
What is good marriage advice for a long relationship?
Good marriage advice for a long relationship is to expect some disagreements to stay with you and learn to talk about them calmly. According to the Gottman Institute, most relationship conflict is about perpetual problems rooted in personality or lifestyle differences. Couples who last also keep doing new things together and talk about big life changes before they cause resentment.
Is it bad to go to bed angry?
No, not always. If you are both tired and the argument is going in circles, agreeing to pause and come back to it at a set time the next day is often better than forcing a resolution late at night. What matters is that you actually return to it, rather than letting it be forgotten.
How do I bring up a problem without starting a fight?
Pick a calm moment, start with how you feel, and describe the specific situation rather than criticising your partner’s character. Then ask for what you need and listen to their side before deciding anything. Raising things early, while they are still small, also makes the conversation much easier.
When should a couple get professional help instead of advice?
A couple should consider professional help when the same argument keeps escalating, after an affair or serious breach of trust, when mental health is part of the picture, or when deciding whether to stay together. Counsellors and psychologists can help with problems that everyday advice cannot reach. If there is fear, control or violence, contact 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, or 000 in an emergency.
